Friday, May 22, 2009


Morning consciousness always seems to be a rude awakening for me. This morning I opened my eyes and realized that everything around me is falling apart – my institution of guidance, support… my bedrock. My head just spins. Every inch of my lonely frame is bruised from thought. My head tries to make sense of everything. I am too logical, and there is too much to figure out. Life can seem like it has no glitches when one decides to live in a blissful ignorance of its state, but then a sudden gust of clarity and reality seeps into my world. Everything that I know and have known is disrupted. So I sat there in a dark room all alone...confused and dazed of these events, feeling as if I was surrounded by mirrors that all decided to shatter at the same time, exposing the existing realness of this burden and the laborious weight of my past all in one blast.

You see, our eyes adapt to darkness as do our mind and our soul. And there I was… a victim of the exact process. Sometimes, we spend so much time in the dark that we begin to think it is light. We start seeing figures and shadows, and they allow us to believe that it isn't really so dark after all. We lie to ourselves, to each other, to make it seem alright. Oh… the pain that comes when the light is infused.

For years, I’ve fought the process, jumping to and from both worlds. I spend countless hours in darkened rooms, hiding from truth and from transparency and from myself. Then, in an instant....I’m pulled from the wreckage and into a bright room where my eyes sting and my heart and the burden are all exposed. It's all very painful.

I know what I believe. I know what is true. And yet, there are days when I switch the light off. Maybe it's too hard or maybe I am too selfish, but today… that light won’t turn off.

"his yoke is easy and his burden is light"

“so when the sea rises up
and my heart goes astray
when I feel like I have no one.
He waits. He holds my hand.
I will not be afraid.
through the storm and the flood.
the waves comes in.
the tide is so high.
You will shield me with love.
stable and dynamic
You are my protection
I will not be afraid.” {maybe repeating it will help}

This might seem wearing
I know for me it is, especially today
I can’t do this alone
whenever I try
I fail.

“Take me Deeper.
Hold me into Your heart.
In You I will find rest.”

I've been screaming inside a lot lately,
but this time,
I think they might actually hear.

Today I choose light.

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