Sunday, November 22, 2009


First time I have attempted to type an entire post on my iPod. Errors galore warning!

You know what is one of my favorite parts about God/Jesus/HolySpirit (sidenote. How sad that my iPod doesn't auto capitalize those last few words typed)??? Even when I don't seek His advice, counsel, word, you name it, He still forces His (perfect) way on me even when i seemingly could care less. it. I like being taken care of when it really comes down to it.

Anyway... There are some parts in my life that really need to be changed. And my desire to change them is so strong that lately i have been having physical responses to it. For example, getting physically queezy when I screw up or wanting so bad for these transformations to occurr that I get physically worn out and some sort of pain happens around my chest area.
And here are those desires.

You all know (cleary by now) how bad I get upset with people when they personally attack football people. And even though this first desire doesn't specifically have to do with that, that is what triggered this blog post (which I've been wanting to type for a while, fyi)...

I want to see people the way Jesus saw them.

I bet you thought it was going to be something radical and insane the way I was dramatizing it, huh? I betcha didn't think I was going to spit out one of the top 10 quoted, cliche, Christian phrases there is. Well, it is so simple and yet so complicated as just that: loving people.

I want to read a status that says "Les Miles needs to be executed, executed, executed!" (true story), and not have the first response of retaliating(like I was just attacked or something) and taking up for Les, but instead feel the pain and heart of the person posting the status as my default reaction. I want to feel the hurt in that person's life. I want to sit and pray for whatever reason that person is really posting that update. Are they insecure? Do they feel that to have some sort of worth they have to contribute to the Les bashing like everyone else? Do they have some sort of priority issue? Do they not know Jesus or understand the concept of sin and humans and mistakes and grace and forgiveness? Do they feel empowered when they put someone else down? There are just many ways that I could pray for someone in that situation, posting those words, and I don't. My first response is to take up for Les. Granted, that is a great response also.. but more times than not, that response is triggered and controlled by anger. Jesus could be so much more glorified if I took the other route. And not ONLY that (even though that is the greatest), but I just really want to love people. And I know that I will never ever come close to having a smidge of a bit of love for people the way Jesus did. Impossible. I know... but I wanna at least try. And this goes for everyone I come in contact with in some sort of uncomfortable way. Everyone I get angry with. I want to first control my anger and tackle it down ( punny), then feel that person's pain and see through their ugliness.

Second.. I want to truly be happy for someone that does better than me. I had a hard time (if you didn't notice) wording that, because it's hard to explain. For instance... I not only want to have the strength to congratulate my friend who studies less than me and gets a 100 on the test that I got a 97 on & took 5 days to study for, but I want to really feel happiness and excitement for her on the inside, the side of me she can't see. This kind of thing happens so often and in more occurrences than just school when I really sit down and think about it. I guess it boils down to understanding who I am in Christ and knowing how He has equipped, loved, raised, and prepared me for my life and understanding that His will for my life is bigger and better than that test, or job, or award, or what have you. I just want to have faith in that EVERY time immediately. I'm not naive. I understand the whole concept of humans and sin and perfectness that we will never attain and messing up all = grace and forgiveness, but I'd at least like to (again)...try.

Isn't that what our life in His will is all about anyway?...the trying

Well... I titled this post "Accountability", and the reason for that is this: I'd like you to keep my accountable. The whole whopping total of 4 of you who consistently read my blog (who i love so so much) ;) Ha. I'm kidding.

I always thought the whole "accountability" process was so silly and over stressed and poorly taught in Sunday school. I never like the way people thought it worked. I say a curse word and my friend knowing that cursing is bad would point the finger and remind me that I was a bad sinner and it being all ok b/c they were just my self proclaimed "accountability partner".

Ha, did yall see that? What a bitter one I am. I can't even finish this blog about my desire to work on my loving people without my crazy anger seeping through and ruining the party by getting mad at some hypothetical person I used in a hypothetical example. haha i laugh at myself. and you should, too!

I guess this is a hard thing to have held accountable, seeing as though other people can't actually hear my thoughts and first reactions to other people in my head, but in some crazy way.. just having known that I was this transparent and put this problem out there for the world (heh, small world) to see somehow keeps me accountable for myself. Get it?

give me a break. it's 2:00 a.m.

oh and p.s.
i cheated. i grabbed the laptop after the 2nd paragraph. ah, defeat.

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