it is what it is.

i've felt this heavy presence on my heart to blog this.
i guess you'll see why.

i feel like this blog, as well as every blog, is not a window to any one's soul.. or heart.. or mind. i think we try to make things like this a journal like the private one in your own home, but the truth of the matter is that it's not. you write your words for the world to see. and you know that as you write it. that is in your mind the entire time you type and post. you know that people will be reading this and examining who you are based on your words and posts. purposely or not, it is what it is.

with that being said, i always struggle with the thoughts that this blog does not represent who i am. i'm not open enough. i'm not honest enough. i'm masking and decorating a fraction of who i am or who i want to be, or more correctly, who i want people to view me as. but the ugly (and beautiful) truth of who i am is this:

1. i curse. not regularly, not often.. . but enough. it slips. and i hate that.
2. some days i don't feel like praying. i don't know if i'm hiding, or ashamed, or just flat out lazy.. but it feels like a chore rather than a privilege sometimes. and i hate that.
3. there are days where i want to kick my own butt for not loving my family enough, or not showing them how much they are honestly loved. i hate it.
4. i judge people. i will look at you & your actions and completely be disgusted and think of you differently. and almost every time.. rather right after or weeks after.. God will slap me right across my face and remind me that i'm the exact same as the girl at mardi gras with her bra hanging out. i hate that i still do it even if i get better every time.
5. i'm very prideful. i sometimes give because it makes me look good. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i hate it when i catch myself doing favors in my name.
6. i believe with all my heart that God rewards those who go the speed limit. but every time i'm in the car.. i speed. i get road rage very often. i want to flip off the person that cuts in front of me. i want to ride their tail and make them nervous. ugh, i especially hate that about me.
7. i complain.. a lot. i sometimes think i complain just to get a word in. it's getting better, but it's almost like i've been hypnotized into believing that complaining is natural. it's not natural. i really have to try hard to think of something to complain about. i hate that.
8. i don't love luke the way he deserves to be loved. i hate that.
9. i disobey God every day. almost every hour. i make Him cry a lot i'm sure. i hate that i do this.
10. i hate that i hate.


and i write this to show you that i'm not what i disguise myself to be. i'm like every single one of you. yeah, i can write some pretty words about Christ and our relationship. yeah, i can sometimes put some sentences together when I'm feeling God's presence and guidance. but there is so much time between blog posts that isn't seen or spoken of. and those are the times the count most. i need to feel His presence every day. i need to live each day with the intent of blogging that day every night. i bet then i'd start living in His will. and sadly, as #5 would explain, i would live His will, just so i could blog it that night and have ppl applaud me in their heart. sometimes in a comment or even perhaps a word or two in person. but wanna know what's so amazing about that? through my stubbornness and selfishness.. God will be glorified. isn't that unbelievable? A situation that drips with disdain and self pride.. God can use to bring glory. GLORY! a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity. Prosperity?? How?! I'm using that situation for my name and my splendor. And in the mean time, He can bring glory and restore me all at the same time.
whoa..

and He does it every day. every hour.

so that's that. i'm filthy. and i'm disinfected every day. every hour. don't be mislead by my pretty words.

it is what it is.